


I loved her once

by DTA2013



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/F, Family, Hurt/Comfort, Secrets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 03:19:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3472505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DTA2013/pseuds/DTA2013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The confession only comes once someone leaves. And it is your last chance to tell them...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I keep forgetting to place disclaimers so here it is DISCLAIMER: I do not own Criminal Minds or its characters...  
> I also post on FF and fictionpad under DTA2013.  
> ARCHIVING: Only with my permission. I don't normally put this but seems that people are at it again. The only places these stories should be are Fanfiction and Fictionpad. I do not want to have to change the privacy settings on here to only registered users. So please if you find any of my works anywhere other than these sites please inform me many thanks.

**Chapter 1:**

Everything had ended; everything had changed so quickly though I should have seen it coming. I should have known, I should have remembered that the past would always come back to haunt me, I should never have allowed my guard down not for one moment. However, I did and then things became what they had.

I would look at her sometimes watch her every move, study her looking to make sure she was okay without her knowing or noticing, it was faded into the background of every part of my life every fibre of my being.

I can remember so much but yet nothing really sticks in my mind, nothing shouts out that this is where it all changed where everything stopped and became the nightmare of which I now must endure. The shell, which my life must now become, well it already was a shell clouded in lies betrayal and some other things, which I do not know if I am able to explain.

We spoke about so many things but yet I hid from her, I kept so much hidden from her, would the outcome have changed if I had allowed her in? It all came crashing down in the end, I gave up, and I walked away. Not because I wanted to. God, I never wanted to walk away from her but I had to, I had no choice.

It had started so many years ago but I lost track of when it first happened the moment to which I had opened my heart till the second I slammed the cast iron walls back around myself, I forget which point it all happened when everything I felt for her was ripped away or did I make it go away?

I made it go away, I had been so closed off for years I was numb back then but I knew when it happened I knew the second I laid my eyes on her and she had smiled at me, the second she had introduced herself. I was slightly shy around her or maybe I was too guarded for her to even see what lay behind my eyes that my mind said the second I walked into her office some six years ago. It feels like a lifetime ago now, and it is.

Everything here is now hard and not in a way, it is something I had long excepted I should never have thought of them as a family, I should never have allowed them to get so close to me, I knew it would end in heartache. I knew I would hurt her and in fact hurt everyone, I cared too much I wanted to fit in so badly when I had finally met the rest of them.

Eyes fell on me sizing me up trying to figure me out, trying to see if my intentions were good if I would have their backs. I would have laid down my life for them, for her and in the end, I did. I gave everything I had to protect them or protect my heart, I should have told her I had so many chances to confess so many times alone with her.

I turned up on her doorstep one night, no questions had been asked as she let me in the door and allowed me in, she held me that night and I knew then, that I could never allow her to see me the real me. She was to kind and pure and I am damaged, in ways I could never allow her to see.

I was a hidden shell my soul had been ripped and burned once. I had known love, I knew what love felt like even though it was so wrong, but back then I didn't care I was someone else I was living someone else's life and now is not any different.

I was gone and maybe it was for the best my heart could not take it anymore, I had watched her for so long but then I stopped watching her. I stopped looking for the signs that something was there that something could have happened. Only it had happened but only in my dreams or when her arm wrapped around me, or her hand had rested on my arm it was a spark but I know she never felt it. She couldn't, why would she?

In the end I pushed her away I pushed her so far away she couldn't have known what I felt and what I still feel on some level, I wondered if my eyes ever gave it away, if they ever betrayed me and spoke for me. Nevertheless, as I sit here waiting for her to arrive I know she could never know, I had hurt her in fact I had hurt them all I had disappeared without a trace.

I guess it wasn't so much without a trace, they buried me and I watched on from the side-lines out of view, I watched as she placed the rose on my coffin, but something in her eyes was there something was held deep in those swirling blue orbs as she laid that rose upon the lid as though she was saying goodbye and she was but something pulled at me.

I had turned and walked away not because I wanted to but because I had to, I loved her once but now I was numb and alone. This is my life and where I was meant to be, alone in the darkness away from those I cared about, those people that I classed as my family.

However, I loved her or maybe I am still in love with her as I sit at the small café on the side street waiting for her to arrive to see those eyes again. Does she hate me for everything I have done, my skin crawled for so many reasons, I did not deserve her kindness, and she should not be the one to save my life.

She shouldn't be the person that came to my rescue and then have to lie to the people she loved so much, her family but in a way they were my family as well, I just never told them.

I would know that figure anywhere as the blonde sat down in front of my handing me the file which would give me a new life, a new life with her not in it, she wished me luck and in that moment I wanted to tell her, I wanted her to know that I loved her that I still love her, but I can't I know they may never see me again and it is for the best, while Doyle is still alive there is a chance that I may never come back and never see her face again.

I have to forget everything, leave it all blank and tuck it away out of sight, out of my mind, but so many thoughts, why is she risking everything for me, or was it Hotch that had asked her? I guess I will never know. I couldn't answer her aside for a slight nod, as I went to leave, her hand gripped mine and our eyes locked she looked as though she wanted to say something, was it goodbye did she know she may never see me again that this was going to be the last time our eyes would met.

She was and is my friend but now I have to grieve for them I have lost my family, I had already lost the one person which I wanted. I lost her years ago but she was still in my life back then but now we were here, her hand in mine and words failed me again like so many other times over the years.

She was my lover in my dreams, maybe she will still be in my dreams I can only smile as she tells me to stay safe but it is a strained smile not the one she knows it is different, I walked across the road, I can't look back, if I look back now my resolve will break. I don't want to leave her I never wanted to leave her, but I have to I don't have a choice my life would be one of staying in the shadows away from everyone it didn't really matter what happened to me it never did. Why did it matter to her?

I walked back to my hotel room with the passports and all the details I needed to start my new life, my life living as a shadow, living with a target on my back with so many eyes and ears all over, I am not sure how long it will be before one of his men will spot me, how long before they see me as something over than the new names I have been given. Details to bank accounts so I would not need to look for work, well not yet anyway who knows how long it will be before I end up dead.

The contents spilled over the desk, though I noticed a small envelope in very knowing handwriting, this was going to be the goodbye she never got to say to me or maybe this is where she tells me never to return with a prayer to hope I don't die. I read it slightly in shock my mouth open my heart pounding in my chest, why did I never see.

' **Dear Emily,**

**I am going to miss you but I want us to stay in touch, I cannot imagine my life without you in it, even when I had to leave the BAU, you stayed by my side, like you always have done.**

**I want you to know and I know this may either come across two ways but I want you to take in the context, which it is meant, and I hope you will.**

**Do not give up! I know you may not plan on doing, but I mean it for some many different reasons and mainly because I have so, many questions and I have had them for a long time.**

**In addition, I know how unfair it is to ask you them now but I need you to listen to what I am writing as though I am saying it to you.**

**As though I am sat in front of you, I have never had the guts to say things to your face in the past and I think deep down you know this! On the other hand, I hope you know this.**

**I want you to be able to come home in time, I want it to be safe for you again to grace us with your love, kindness and that protective streak which you try to hide but you never did that well.**

**I remember so much Emily, I remember that night, the three girls hitting the bar, Garcia thought at that moment you wasn't a team player, that you was someone whom would break away from us if you had the chance or if we got to close to you.**

**Nevertheless, you made us laugh instead it is not hard to believe that he would chat you up with corny lines but when you brought him over to the table.**

**My heart sunk Emily.**

**However, I learnt that was your way of having fun but it hurt, and I never knew why. I never understood how that one action could have hurt so badly! However, it did and I was ashamed to admit it, Garcia knew, and that is only because she is my best friend and I have known her for so long.**

**It was in that one moment I knew or I thought I knew, you was straight and I did not stand a chance.**

**It was a crush I guessed at the time though Garcia would tease me slightly, she knows my secrets Emily she always has, but I did not see the point in sharing that fact with you. Maybe I should have done.**

**But then you pushed me into Will's arms, you told me to go for it and me being stupid and hurting at the time I did with open arms, weekends sneaking off to see him, the air miles adding up.**

**God Emily, I never meant for things to become so messed up, I never meant to fall pregnant, but I did.**

**Nevertheless, the look on your face when he told everyone in the hotel that night, I knew I had broken your heart and in fact broke my own, but I could not change it; I did not know how to fix everything.**

**Though the next day you was so distant your emotions so hidden it was like looking at a blank wall and even that was covered with another layer a layer I knew I would never get past again.**

**You pulled away from me that day, you slipped so far away from me Emily and it hurt so badly.**

**I wanted your arms around me again, like the times when you turned up at my home in the middle of the night looking for some type of comfort and comfort, which I needed; I just wish I told you.**

**I want you to have hope Emily. I want you to come home when all this is over, I want you to keep in touch with me every day, I know it is hard and it is going to be so hard for you and maybe all this is selfish on my part.**

**I cannot not have you in my life Emily, why could not you have worked that out.**

**Why could you not have looked at me and seen the love that I have for you in my eyes?**

**Please do not be angry with yourself or me, I need you to hold on for me and stay alive.**

**I love you Emily I just wish I had told you years ago and that it had not taken something like this for me to find the courage to tell you.**

**Please stay alive you have so much to live for and so many people whom need you, I know I sound selfish and I shouldn't be asking you this, but you stay strong you have hope and you come home to me in one piece.**

**You come home to me alive Emily!**

**I loved you once Emily and I never stopped.**

**You will stay in my heart till you come home,**

**Love Jen x**

**PS, I left him….'**

I cannot hold the tears in any longer. I should have told her. I need to tell her. I was so stupid not to have seen, I cannot help but curl up on the bed hugging the pillow for comfort and it is in that moment that I make the silent promise to myself to JJ. I will come home and when I come home, I will tell you I love you.

 


	2. Chapter 2

I guess I had cried myself to sleep that night, not just because of the letter which had torn at my heart, but for so many reason. I had lost everything, but at least I know and knew they were safe, as long as Doyle thought I was dead they were safe.

In addition, I could live with that, I could live with the fact that I had to disappear from sight, so that they would live and so Declan would be safe, his family would be safe.

They knew how to get hold of me, though the team thought I was dead and I could live with that fact. But I could not allow the three people who mattered more to me than anything in this world, the three things that I had to protect even now, I needed to keep them safe and as long as no one knew about them, they were safe, hidden from everyone.

Doyle would never find them, or at least I hoped he would not. I knew he would not kill them, but he would keep them instead and that was worse in my eyes, they would see things that no one should see. Young innocent eyes should never come across some of the horrors, which were and are done by Ian's hands.

I stand at the harbour, it is amazing though I am well-travelled and versed in many culture's I have never seen this. I had heard about it, but I always thought it was a myth, just something people were told. It is a beautiful day, the sun is shining and not a cloud in the sky, even for miles there is nothing, and it was and is beautiful, the coast line of England, the white cliffs can be seen even from all the way over here.

There again it is only 22 miles across, which can take anything up to two hours to cross depending on the wind. The great thing about being given an EU passport, is that I am able to travel anywhere within Europe without notice, without any checks, not really being stopped as I can cross the border, but that was the idea in joining Europe together as one.

Making things much easier so as long as you have a passport it is much like crossing in-between the different states back home aside from not every country speaks English.

The plan I have is to travel to England and settle for a few months with an old friend someone I trust with my life. Someone who knows everything about me and about my past and someone who can keep me safer than anyone I have ever known.

It had not taken long to cross over the border, Tess was waiting for me, the smile lit up across her face as she made her way over to me, her arms wrapped around me and I held her just as tight.

"It is so good to see you Emily, but we need to move from here and get you somewhere safe," Tess said before she pulled back so she was able to look into my eyes. "The car is waiting" I followed her it was so good to see her it had been too long.

"It's so good to see you Tess, I have missed you all," I said softly as I opened the car door.

My abdomen still was tender and the car was much lower than I remembered but it had been six years since I had laid eyes on any of them. Six long years of only being in contact through email. The drive was one that was in comfortable silence, the drive to her estate was much as I remembered the huge gates, which opened as she hit the small device, and the cameras followed the car as it made its way past.

I could not help but smile I had forgotten about the large fountain, which laced the driveway, which made sure you only went one way, as there was not enough room for two cars to pass.

"How are the children?" I asked just as we pulled up outside the entrance to her home.

"They have missed you Emily, they are so excited to see you" I smiled I couldn't wait to see them either, they had only been small when I had left but pictures were always passed between us so they knew what I looked like and so that I could watch them grow.

Sebastian or Seb for short would be coming up for 11 this time, the younger of the two was Rose who was nearly six, Tess was pregnant with her when I had left, so we had only seen pictures of each other and spoken on the phone a few times.

I use to hate the fact that I had missed so much of them growing up, but I was here now even if it was only a short stay. In addition, who knows after all this is finished maybe they will be able to visit without my fearing their safety.

The young boy looked at me wide-eyed, as I walked through the door; he looked me up and down much like I was doing with him. He looked so much like Tess, his short light brown hair, was slightly longer than the last picture I had seen he had grown so much and his athletic build a broad smile hit is lips

"Auntie Emily" he almost shouted before running towards me and throwing his arms around my neck.

"Oh Seb, it is so could to see you again," I couldn't help the pride that settled inside me as his face buried against my shoulder, it had been too long.

I spotted the young girl who was hid behind the wall as she watched me with her brother, I could only give her a soft smile. I had always known how shy she was, how untrusting the young girl was and really who could blame her, she has lighter hair than her brother a slight dirty blonde, but the eyes gave it away the soft green eyes that said so much without even saying a thing.

They had always amazed me, the stray line of hazel that cut through the green as though her eyes were unable to choose which colour they should be. Tess ran her hand down my back it was a loving touch that I knew so well, the touch which had always been full of love, care and protection, but I was the same with her.

"I have set up your old room Em, and there is everything you need in there. Hotch has been in touch" Tess could not help but roll her eyes, "He still sounds as emotionless as ever"

I closed my eyes slightly "He isn't as bad as you remember these days, he sometimes smiles" I joked.

"Anyway phone, laptop are all set up for you, enough encoding has been installed to keep any hacker guessing for months" I closed my eyes slightly. "Emily I have promised to keep you safe, but we both know you won't be able to stay too long" I nodded as she gave me a sad and pained look.

"I know Tess and it is okay and plus I am older than you so it is my job to keep you safe" she raises her eyebrow the slight cocky look on her face but one that was covered with pure love.

"You have kept our family safe for years Emily, it is my turn to look after you for once" her voice was much firmer than I remember and I could only sigh.

I made my way up the familiar halls the winding staircase, which led to where my old room was, it was just how I had left it, aside from the lick of paint, the new sheets. However, the books were the same, which laced the walls; I had finally after six long years returned to my home.

I logged onto the laptop later that evening I just couldn't settle, yes I was in my old home, but I hadn't been here for so long and I knew I could not allow myself to get comfortable, well not for too long anyway, and that was mainly because I could end up putting Tess and her family in danger again, just like I had done so many years ago.

I should have known that the second I had managed to get on a computer and accesses my email that there would be one waiting for me, the name though made me laugh but yet warmed me at the same time. Cheetobreath, only JJ could come up with such a name that I would know the second I had seen it.

It was more an email to make sure I was safe and to allow me to know she had made it back okay and was safe, I can't bring myself to mention the letter she had left me to read, but I knew that JJ knows me, she knows I am not that great at expressing my feelings or allowing someone so close and I can't not yet.

I could die for real and no one would know they have already buried me once and I doubted that they would want to do it again, there again Morgan would more likely try and bring me back to life just so he could kick my arse for putting him through hell. I wiped the stray tear from my cheek as I pressed send.

Tess had stayed with me that night in my room and in my bed it was much like old times really she is only just twenty-five, she is a baby, she is my little baby, and no I don't mean I am her Mother, but she is my baby and someone I will protect forever.

JJ and I swapped emails back and forth each day if not twice a day, she would fill me in on what she had been doing and how Henry was doing, I didn't want to miss too much of his growing, and they grow so fast. One second you are giving birth and the next thing you know is they are starting school and branching out on their own, not needing you to hold their hand anymore.

"Emily," Her voice was so soft as she moved closer against my body and I couldn't help but smile

"Yes sweetie" I let my lips press against her head,

"You have to keep safe if not for me, then you stay alive for those four people whom worship you"

I nod against her, "I will try and keep safe Tess, I just can't promise" she knew I couldn't, and she knew if she asked me to promise it would have been an unfair request.

I was leaving soon I had stayed with Tess for the past month and a half, and I knew it was only a matter of time before one of the children slipped up and let them know that there Auntie was home. I bid them goodbye and I promised to stay in touch as much as I could. However, I just did not know what my future held anymore, I just hoped that I could return home and keep my word to JJ.

* * *

Two weeks later I had arrived in Austria, beautiful country, I had made a few stops along the way but still I had kept in touch with JJ I told her I had taken pictures of where I was and had been, but I couldn't send them to her yet it would have to wait. Though our communication was secure, there was always a risk.

I had run into problems when I had first entered Austria, I had spotted one of Ian's men, it was with that, I knew his arms still stretched wide and far and it worried me. Had I been followed? On the other hand, was this nothing but a spate of bad luck? Whichever it was, I did not like it either way, I was sure they had seen me; either that or they had no clue who I was or am.

Though two weeks later I found out they knew who I was as the place I was renting was broken into, I guess Ian had never warned them that I would kill them. I doubted they had made contact with him since I had their phones now and one of Ian's puppets had left a few messages asking if the shipment had made it over the border and if every item was accounted for. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief, but I had to let JJ know and that had made her panic, she wanted to bring me home, she wanted me somewhere she could keep an eye on me.

She knew I could not come back home yet, but it was worth a try as she told me.


	3. Chapter 3

It has been now five months since I died, five months since I last saw my family five months and four months since I had seen my niece and nephew, I was alone I could not trust anyone. I could not even let myself be known, to my old contacts even those whom I had trusted at one point. Doyle's arms reached everywhere, too many connections, and far too many people had been killed in the crossfire.

I had made my way back to Italy, I guess I landed here because no one would think I would come somewhere which had haunted my dreams from the age of 15, when the one person I thought wouldn't judge me did, turned his back on me told me I would live my life in hell. However, I now doubt it and the only reason I doubt it, because I am living in hell now. It is what I have been living through for god knows how many years in total this is my hell. Nevertheless, sometimes you are dealt a hand, which you have to do; you have no choice but to say yes, because the other option was not even worth thinking about.

I walked around the same streets that I had done for years but so many years ago and nothing has changed, nothing looks worn or old it is just as I remember. I heard the chatter among the locals, I kept to the shadows something big was about to happen something no one expected. I just hoped Doyle had not surfaced in Europe. I had spent so many days talking to JJ; so many times did I want to tell her everything. However, I knew I could not maybe once all this is over I will be able, I will be able to let the two biggest secrets out which not one person knew about.

I remember Morgan saying he knew what I had done for Declan, and I had an idea that he would look for him. And I understood he was someone I had protected for seven or eight years now, and Morgan being who he is will feel it is his job to know keep him and his family safe I can only hope.

I do not live my life in fear not now any way, I had lived in fear and that was only because I knew he would kill them all, he would make them suffer for what I had done. My old team had been killed quickly and that was only because they had worked with me in setting him up and sent him to that goddamn camp. No matter what Ian Doyle had done, he did not deserve that, how could I have loved a man whose job it was to kill people. A criminal, a person who would hunt you down if you had crossed him, even if it was only something small and that was why people feared him.

There again I had been undercover for so long I had been with him for so long that maybe it couldn't have been helped, the evil twisted man was not like that the second we closed the door, watching him with Declan I knew he wouldn't hurt him, he would turn him into a killer but he would never hurt him. In addition, at that same point he would not hurt me he protected me even though I did not need protection.

I missed Tess too much, I had always miss Tess since the day I walked away hiding her existence from everyone only a select few knew about her, and one would be Hotch, I had missed having my arms around her for years, but now I missed her because I didn't know if I would ever see or speak to her again, would I ever see her children grow up, she is the second person I love and I love her family deeply more than I could anyone in my life, but it is a different type of love.

JJ helps keep my mind at ease, she tells me every detail about Henry and what he is doing, she had explained to me how her and Will split up, but it didn't matter as long as it was done in a nice way and Henry wouldn't get hurt if there was anger or if either them had used him as a pawn. People always seemed to do that, have children split up and use the child against each other to inflict more pain more suffering to each other.

I wonder at what point I will be able to relax, at which moment I can allow my guard down instead of keeping myself hidden and more alone than I have ever felt in my whole life. I know I talk to JJ everyday but it is not the same as calling around to see her, her curling into me as we have a drink and talk about anything and nothing. It was normal to be like that with her, well at that point in time it was normal and then Will, the pregnancy I was never jealous. I had pushed her into his arms and it is common knowledge that not everyone wears protection, and nine months later Henry had arrived and my heart was still bruised. It had been broken in two, stomped on and then bruised and now my heart hurts. It hurts because I was to wrapped up in my own self-doubt that I never saw, I know human behaviour, hell I had been doing it longer than I could remember, but yet I couldn't and didn't see her feelings towards me.

But that was then and this was now, I just missed her so much, to want someone so badly to need them in my life that I knew it would kill me if I lost her, she had stolen my heart years ago, Tess would tease me about her. I had told her everything that happened and that was and is because I need her, I need them all in my life.

* * *

It has now been nearly seven months and there is so much activity within the underground networks, I can feel the storm coming I can feel the wave of panic that is going to tear into some many people, my world was going to come crashing down around me and I wasn't sure if there was anything I was able to do. I had no one, not one person I was able to talk to. JJ was too far away, I had ceased contact with Tess for her own well-being, and this storm had been brewing since Doyle had escaped.

I stare at the phone for a moment, the terror hits me like a tidal wave, Tom? He was only meant to ever contact if something happened if something happened to them and it had. I needed to get back to the states, I knew at this point I wouldn't be able to contact JJ she had re-joined the BAU and they had been called out on a case I only knew that because JJ had emailed me.

I had booked the first flight I could I needed to get home, I needed to end this. There was now too many lives at stake, Tom was on his way back but I knew I would get home before him. Once I was in the air, I made a phone call, not one that I had been looking forward to.

A phone call, which was going to rip everyone's heart apart, and I knew Morgan would take it worse than anyone would; he had been there with me until that ambulance came and he had not seen me after the sirens sped away.

* * *

"Hotch" I paused slightly allowing him to realise it was me. "I am on my way back" I listened to him groan slightly but he had known I would risk my life from them, he filled me in about Morgan catching Ian and it did not surprise me. However, what did shock me was that he did not have them.

On the other hand, as Hotch said he does not have Declan. It was at this moment my fear over took me, my body screamed my heart clenched tightly as I asked what they had found at the house, the Nanny was dead, two Agents dead. My eyes grew wide and I wish the plane would hurry up and get me there faster I could not help I had to ask.

"Hotch, did you find Robert?" the silence confirmed it they had not seen him, and who would he was only six.

He was home schooled, more to put my mind at rest than anything, Declan went to school and it was because it was what he was used to, he had started school just as I took him from the villa, but not he was a young man eleven going on twelve and I was so proud of him. I was so proud of both of them.

"Emily who is Robert?" Hotch asked me I could hear the shock in his voice as I spoke.

"My son" I heard him swallow thickly. "Hotch where is he?" I asked again the panic raising more in my throat if Doyle did not have them, then someone else did and if they had no clue who that little boy was he was already as good as dead. The tear slipped down my cheek, my heart though it was still beating felt as though it had stopped, the tightness around my throat as I struggled to stop the panic which was building un inside me.

"Emily," I could hear the softness in his voice and it was something not many people heard

"Hotch, please tell me my son is safe" I know it is not his fault but now I have to save both of my boys.

"Emily, we will find him," Hotch promised but what he had not promised me was that they would find him alive.


	4. Chapter 4

The plane journey seemed to take forever, everything seemed in slow motion as though time had come to a standstill, the world was still turning but everything around me had stopped, as though I was living another time and another point that everything around me was no longer there. I do not know what I would do if I have truly lost my baby boy.

My mind keeps flashing back to the past and I cannot help the old feelings, which I had long since buried coming to the forefront of my mind. I had fought with myself so many times, maybe I should have let Tess take him, but then why should I make him leave his brother? It was a hard choice I had always known that Robert would not be able to stay with me if I kept him.

So when I asked my dear friend Tom to take Declan and Louise in and become a family it seemed only natural that he offered to take my unborn child as well. The good side of the whole mess was the fact I'd be able to see him, I would be able to watch my baby grow. I know people may wonder why I kept him hidden, I had to. I had no choice, if Clyde had found out; he would have used my baby as a weapon against Doyle just as they would have done with Declan.

Therefore, after six months of hiding or as Clyde said I had taken so time to gather myself after everything. It was nothing to do with that. Because of everything that had happened within our team everything we had done undercover the team had to disperse, we had no contact with each other after that. The only time we would contact each other was if something happened. I guess back then we all knew nothing would hold Ian Doyle for long. The thought of losing both them little boys sent my mind into a tailspin, I have protected them for years and now, now I had failed them I had failed Declan and Robert I can't have their blood on my hands I just can't, I would rather die than either one of them be hurt.

* * *

** Meanwhile at the BAU **

"Garcia, I need you to look back though all the footage in the last month I need you to see if there was another little boy in that house" Hotch said, Garcia gave him a puzzled look. He seemed angry not a sign she had seen often.

"Sir?" Garcia questioned slightly.

"Just do it Garcia, then come into the round room," Hotch said before walking back out of her office.

* * *

JJ walked down the hallway looking for Hotch knowing the rest of the team where in the round room talking through the profile while Morgan carried on working on Doyle, "Hotch, I think it's time" JJ said.

Hotch gave her a slight smile before he spoke "She is on her way Declan tried to make a phone call" JJ nodded as they both looked back through the window looking at their team, their friends "We need to tell them" Hotch said.

It had not taken long for Garcia to find the other little boy as she charged straight into the round table room "Sir" Garcia said as she entered but Hotch just raised his hand.

"Just a moment Garcia" he said kindly.

JJ and Hotch both stood in front of them near the boards each one of them with a blank expression on their face. "Everyone take a seat please," they looked at Hotch in confusion they were meant to be looking for a little boy not stopping for a moment until they found Declan. Morgan stayed standing looking Hotch straight in the eye waiting for him to speak.

You could see the blank expression, which he had in place, but JJ's eyes sparkled slightly more life in them than they had been in the past seven months. Hotch seemed to hold Morgan's eyes in his own as he spoke, he knew how the dark Agent felt about Emily, they were partners and the both younger Agents were extremely close. Morgan had taken Emily's death harder than most he had been angry, confused but the worse part of this whole thing was that fact that Morgan blamed himself, his mind replayed that same moment he had found Emily dying on the ground as he shouted for a medic.

Not one other member had seen Emily like that. They had not seen her with the piece of wood stuck in her stomach and her drifting away and leaving him. He had that day lost his best friend, his sister and his partner though Hotch knew Reid had taken it hard and so had Garcia, in truth it had broken Morgan he had doubted his ability to protect the people he loved.

Once Hotch knew he had each of theirs attention he began to speak "Seven months ago I made a choice that effected this team, as you all know Emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with Doyle, but the doctors were able to stabilise her and she was air lifted from the hospital to Bethesda under a covert exploitation, her identity was strictly need to know and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel, she was reassign to Paris where she was given several new identities for her security, " he stopped as he looked at the shocked faces of each of his team members.

"She's alive," Garcia said with a total look of shock, which covered her face.

"But we buried her" Reid said the hurt evident in his voice.

"As I said I take full responsibility for the decision and if anyone has any issues they should be directed towards me" he stopped again as he looked at Morgan his face was full of hurt, anger and confusion.

"Any issues, yeah I got issues." Morgan said as Garcia turned her head in a look of shock though the happiness over took as her eyes lay back onto Emily.

* * *

I walked into the room as I heard Morgan speak my heart broke slightly, "Emily it is so good to see you" Garcia let out in a rush as her arms flung around me. I could not help my eyes staying on each of them.

"I am so sorry, not a day when by that I didn't." I stopped as I looked at Morgan the hurt covered his face as I walked over to him, "I am so sorry you didn't deserve that" his arms wrapped around me after a few moments though I knew he was hurt more than anyone else. Reid was confused which I had accepted, Garcia was happy and bewildered which was typical Garcia, and I knew each of them felt betrayed by us.

"I have so much to tell you all but first I need to know about the" she stopped as Hotch started to speak.

"Garcia what did you find?" he asked pulling them all from their shock as she switched the screen on, the grainy image of the house filtered onto the screen. I knew that this was going to confuse each of them even more and hurt JJ; I could not help it, as I looked at her my eyes holding nothing but pain.

Before Garcia had a chance to speak Reid cut her off, "Emily was there a man living in that house?" he asked me as I nodded

"Yes, my friend Tom Cutler, he is away on assignment but he is on his way back now. Declan had tried to ring him" I said but my eyes where still looking fully on the screen.

"Emily was there another little boy living in that house?" Garcia asked and I could only nod my head as she pressed play on the screen.

I could not help it as my eyes went slightly wide, as I watched a very familiar figure walking out the house with Robert tucked firmly against her side. I could see the look on Hotch's face and it was nearly the same one that I wore. However, mine was filled with a mixture of pride and anger.

"I am going to kill her" I muttered as I looked at the screen Hotch shook his head as he spoke.

"When did she get into the country?"

I looked at him my face gave it away before I even spoke. "I haven't spoken to her for nearly five months" I couldn't help shaking my head

"Emily, who is she?" Hotch couldn't help the slight chuckle as he waited for me to drop another bombshell on the team, though he knew it was going to shock them all twice and it would pose more questions towards me and I knew right then that JJ would feel more betrayed than any of them.

I took a slight breath as I swallow thickly, "The little boy is Robert," I couldn't help the small smile which laced my face, I knew he was safe, Garcia nodded at me "The woman is Theresa better known as Tess" Hotch nodded at me as I allowed him to take over.

"Are you sure that little boy is safe" Garcia asked cutting Hotch off. I couldn't help the chuckle

"Safe is one way to describe it" Hotch mumbled as I raised my eyebrow.

"Tess is Roberts auntie" I really didn't need them knowing yet who she was it may take their minds off finding Declan.

"We will explain later at least we know he is safe" he gave me the rare smile.

"I need to know everything that's happening with Declan what you have managed to find." I said pulling them all back to Declan, getting everyone focused again on the little boy, though Declan was now turning into a young man, he would always be my little boy.

"That's why you had Declan enrolled in boarding school"

""I made sure that Tom, Louise and I were the only ones who could take him off campus, when Hotch called me he told me that you had Doyle in custody" Morgan still looked at me with the expression of pure hurt. Nevertheless, there was nothing I could do about that right now as my sole concern was for Declan's safety.

"Louise took him home last night because he was sick,"

Hotch cut in "Food poising"

"Yeah a few of the kids had it apparently, so they got to him on campus, and then they only had one chance." Reid face held slight confusion as to who could have entered a school to do this.

"Current suspect is Richard Gerace. We have been tracking him but we have come up empty, he is the only person to enter the states that we can find" JJ said.

I looked at her as I spoke "that doesn't make sense" I said as I looked at her. "Gerace gave up on Doyle a long time ago,"

"Doyle said you were the only person to know Gerace" Rossi said as he looked at me his eyes held slight heard but I could tell that it wasn't hurt about what we had done but because I had been forced into hiding.

"And that is why I am pretty sure he wouldn't have the balls to pull something like this off" I said knowing that if he did he would not have been working alone that someone else was in charge. Garcia pulled the security cameras up from the school, the same woman, which she had spotted near the house a few weeks prior walked calmly into the school, with what looked like a tray of cookies.

"There was no force entry at the house?" I asked.

"I had two Agents working security at the house" Morgan said to me before Reid spoke

"We think Gerace and his partner posed as the next shift and one of the Agent was a woman" Reid said.

"She's the alpha" I said just as JJ spoke

"So we are looking for a women that is getting back at Doyle"

I nodded "and our suspect list just got a whole lot longer"

* * *

I went with JJ and Garcia down to her office as she pulled up all the women Doyle had been in relationships with or that had dealing with. Garcia's voice was full of shock as she looked on. "Doyle had relations with all of these ladies?"

"Most" I commented as the pictures continued to filter through on the screen. "Hey can you shoot these into the round table room for me" I asked softly,

"Anything you say visitor Prentiss" Garcia said with a warm loving smile on her face.

* * *

JJ and I made our way back towards the room her arm wrapped around me as I asked how angry the team were, but JJ confirmed that they were in shock, but I knew Morgan was also hurt.

"It is really good to see you," JJ said as we stopped outside the double glass doors. I could not say anything as I looked at her wrapping my arm around her as we both walked into the bullpen linked together.

After the pictures where looked at by everyone and Reid talked about how much rage had been taken out on Louise it seemed to dawn on us all that because she had taken a care givers stand that it might be Declan's real mother. I could not see how that was possible, Doyle had always told me that she was dead, but as I looked at the picture, I knew he was right.

* * *

I could not help the build-up of fear as I opened the door to where they were holding Doyle, he looked at me in slight shock before he spoke "Of course" the smug look took hold on his face before I placed the pictures in front of him.

"Which one of these is Declan's mother?" I asked as he pointed to the picture.

I told the team before making my way back in there to talk to him some more since I would be unable to go out into the field with them and we had managed to find where the pair had property, which could be easily used to hold Declan.

I was worried deeply to what she may do to the boy but at the same time as we worked out the other players I knew what would happen, they would use him as a trade to make money from him, there was no love between her and her son, she hated the boy and Hotch confirmed it was not love she had for him, this was about revenge. I had managed to get Doyle to give me a list of the people whom had the type of money they would be looking for.

* * *

The team went to the warehouse, where they found Gerace had been killed. "He was dead weight," Hotch says. "She thinks she's going to get more for the kid without him."

Reid comes up with the idea of taking Doyle to Lochlan, with the possibility of an exchange for Declan in mind. I looked at him in shock, I feared that if we did that Doyle would find a way to escape and I told him as much I knew he could hear the fear in my voice they both could as my eyes focused on Doyle. Reid convinced me to take Doyle on the road. However, first I have to gain the support of our section chief, which I knew might be impossible.

"I am certain that without this move there is a very good chance that little boy is going to die," I say as I look straight at her my words hit her deeply as she finally relented giving us her full support.

* * *

We had taken Doyle to an airfield, which was linked to Lachlan, who was on board a private jet with Chloe and Declan. The plane looked as though it was ready to set off as the helicopter, which we were in, landed right in front of it, police vehicles to each side of the aircraft. Hotch pulls the megaphone out so he will be heard inside the plane.

"We will give you Ian Doyle and you send out the boy!" Lachlan drags Declan outside and onto the tarmac. Reid and I escort Doyle to Lachlan.

Just as we start to make our way over a wounded Chloe emerges from the plane, before any of us had chance to react the words 'GUN' was shouted and just as the words hit our ears she fired her weapon. Lachlan was struck dead. Doyle was then shot in the neck. As he laid there dying, his hand reaches out to touch Declan's hand, but before he managed it and just as Declan looked at him telling Doyle that, he remembers him, he dies.

I held Declan close to me as he watched his father slip away, though Doyle had taken so much from me and tried to kill me I couldn't help but feel the pang of hurt and pain I felt inside, I guess when someone has given you a child you hold a type of love towards them, I guess the one thing I was grateful for was that no one knew Robert was my son, well not yet at least I still had a woman to kill.

* * *

We all made our way back to the BAU part of us were broken, the case was over a little boy was saved but yet everything still hurt, we all knew how much trouble we would face but right now I didn't care as we entered through the double doors together as a team.

Garcia met us as we opened the doors she looked confused and as though she had seen something she could not understand, my eyes led me to the round table room and at that point, I breathed a sigh of relief. Declan was still wrapped in my arms and JJ was stood protectively to my side.

"That woman came with the young boy," Garcia said and I could still hear the confusion within her voice.

Declan's eyes went wide as he caught sight of the little boy who was stood next to Tess in the room, though he had been scared and hurt Declan could not help the happiness in his voice as he shouted across the bullpen "ROBERT" he had wondered if he would see his little brother again.

I heard the slight gasps as the small brown hair boy flew out of the room hearing Declan's voice, he sprinted down the stairs as I let Declan go they wrapped their arms tightly around each other before his eyes landed on me.

"Mommy" he let out in a breath and in that moment aside from hearing the gasps of the people around me I couldn't help the joy inside me. Both of my boys were safe.

Tess had made her way out on to the catwalk and I heard JJ whisper to Hotch asking whom the woman was that stood before us I could not help the words that came out, they were said through love, fear and joy.

"If I didn't love you so much I could so kill you Tess" the grin that came on her face as she looked at me

"You have said that a few times to me Emmy but it has never happened yet"

I had to ask as I looked at her "How the hell did you manage to get up here? Without clearance" I asked as Hotch laughed beside me. I knew what was coming as the words filter across the room, I had both boys wrapped around me as she spoke.

"I showed them my ID," she said with a smirk.

"I made a phone call" Hotch said at the side of me as JJ finally spoke, there was hurt held in her voice and I knew why but I also knew it would soon leave her and the rest of the shock and hurt would leave them all soon.

"A phone call" I mumbled at Hotch with a slight shake of my head. How the hell had he known where to find her?

"Emily who is she?" JJ asked.

I turned to look at her "I would like you all to meet my baby sister" I said as I held JJ's eyes in my own.

"I thought you was an only child," Garcia said before she continued "I ran checks on you," I looked at her in surprise before she quickly added "When you first started I ran a background check" she said "and then when all this happened I had to look in to your personal life more" I couldn't help but chuckle.

Tess made her way down "I would be her father's dirty little secret" Tess smirked at me

"My father had an affair" I said simply the boys let go of me as Tess took hold of me wrapping our arms tightly around each other

"I didn't think I'd see you again" Tess whispered in my ear

"I know baby"

* * *

The days after had been hard the team had all been suspended for their actions and I was under suspicion for the events and until a full investigation was done. I was also in trouble I was to blame for all the factors that became known, from my time with Interpol. I had in a sense put a young boy's life in danger, I had made him a target but they could not understand what would have happened to that little boy if I had given him over to my team. I knew how Interpol worked trained spies able to live in a word and not exist at the same time. The ability to make a person disappear as long as it was in the interest of protection.

They lived outside the rules, a team with its own rules and in a sense; they were above the law because no one asked questions. Not one person monitored their moves unless they had the clearance to do so, but that meant even when the team had dispersed we were not allowed to contact anyone or say what we had done. I had to protect that little boy with any means necessary even if that got me sent to jail those two innocent boys would be safe and loved.

* * *

JJ had not spoken to me much, she had given me some space I knew it was because she had a lot to process and I also knew there was a good chance I had in fact lost her. It was so hard to settle back in DC after being away for the amount of time, which I had. My condo had been sold; luckily, Tess had found us somewhere to live for the time being.

She told me to go and speak to JJ to clear the air, but messages and phone calls went unanswered and I knew at that point after the third message I had left to her. I needed to let her come to me. Therefore, now I waited for her, I waited for whatever she wanted to say or do to me. I came to the idea that she hated to me and I could understand that point I had lied to her to the team. However, it was more personal to JJ, there were more feelings involved than a friend having her feelings hurt.

I guess in her eyes she feels as though I didn't trust her, but that is so far off the mark, I trusted her and I still do but I had to keep my boys hidden, I had to keep seven people safe, seven people who could and did get caught in the crossfire of my actions of my job, I just hoped she would come to understand that in time.

* * *

We were all due to be questioned by a Senate Committee in a few days neither of us had spoken to each other we had made our statements and filled in the paper work now it was just a case of proving that we weren't a rogue team and that the actions that we all took where for the greater good if they could understand that and see that our actions had been in effect to stop some of the worst and most wanted criminals at the time, the I guess they really need to do some research into why they didn't involve more agencies. Why nothing had been reported until Doyle had been taken into custody, why the only action we had was to trade Doyle to save Declan.

The team where excused from the hearing but I was made to stay behind and listen to them blame me solely for everything which had transpire not one thing was brought up against Interpol for their sole involvement in all this and why would it be, I was their scapegoat I was the one again being used to take sole responsibility for everything that had happened seven years ago and what had happened for the past seven months, it was all landed onto my shoulders and it was that point I had to make them understand that, the team were the only people who were capably of that mission, that Interpol had washed their hand the CIA had turned their back claiming they were not involved. It was made to look that I had taken it upon myself to infiltrate a terrorist.

* * *

Thankfully I was able to make them see that they weren't a rogue team, that they did their job with the upmost integrity that I had ever known, that no one other than those people would complete the task and save that little boy, that their actions were the result of my undercover work which I had begun some eight years prior. It had taken me a year to gain his trust a year at playing a part in his take down, the wheels had then been set in motion after his arrest.

I stood in the round table room with them all, the atmosphere was tense and JJ's eyes burned against me as she watched me walk into the room, waiting for Strauss to say if I had managed to save their jobs their careers and thankfully I had, I was offered my job back and as I looked at JJ who in turn gave me a slight nod to I agree to come back. We stayed in the room for a while talking it was then that the healing process could begin.

I made my way out of the bullpen still with a heavy heart knowing I had lost her or thinking I had lost her, and I just hoped that maybe in time she could forgive me and we could rebuild our friendship if nothing more. I had just reached the elevator when a hand rested on my shoulder.

I turned my eyes sadly looked at JJ, who gave me a kind smile as she held my eyes in hers "We need to talk" that simple exchange gave me hope as we both together left the BAU.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

The ride down to the parking lot was one that was made in silence, I was scared to talk, and I just did not know what to say. I had hidden so much of my life from her, hurt her so badly. I am worried about what is going to come from this 'talk'.

We made our way towards our cars, which were parked near each other, I wondered if she had planned it that way since I had arrived before her. It took me a few moments to respond as her hand slipped into mine.

"Emily, stop worrying" JJ said softly to me. I gave her a shy smile I did not know what I was meant to do.

Talking and feelings did not come naturally to me, so much time spent on my own, too much time hiding and closing myself off from so many people. I squeezed her hand back gently, she gave me a smile though I could tell there was something hidden behind her eyes, and at this point it was unclear which emotion was swirling behind those blue orbs.

I look at her as I stop by my car "Where shall I meet you?"

JJ raised her eyebrow at me, her voice soft as anything as she spoke, "I am coming in your car" her voice was like silk to my ears, if silk could be heard, the softness which trailed from her mouth caused a shiver down my spine, I could only nod as I opened the door for her to get in.

I took a moment to gather myself before I opened the door and getting in, I looked across the centre console at her, she smiled softly at me, but that did not help to settle my nerves any. Was I about to get my heart ripped in two, I had spent my life ripping my own heart out, hiding from those I cared about and them whom cared about me. I never stopped to fully listen how the expression was meant I just heard the words.

My heart had been closed for so long, the walls built high against my feelings, just waiting for another person to tell me that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't enough for them or that I was too closed off and that I could understand, I am closed off but I had to be with the job I did. With what I had done to my family, the pain and hurt I had caused anyone who tried to get close. Maybe I was that way, to stop myself getting hurt, I do not know, I have this habit of pushing people away. I pushed JJ away from me into another's arms, but now things were changing.

"Where are we going?" I asked as I drove out of the parking lot, I could not even look at her as I spoke, I did not want to look into her beautiful blue eyes.

"To my house, no one is there so we will be able to talk without any distractions" I nodded, my mind starting to spin and race ahead of me, this was not going to be a good chat. There again I should know that since I have hurt her so much, but I had also hurt myself.

I am broken and right now, I am unsure if anyone can put me back, together and this talk may break me even more. I wish that I was good at expressing my feelings allowing my walls to falter even if just slightly, but that could cost me greatly.

The drive to her house seemed to take forever, though I know it was not that long, I pulled up alongside her driveway switching off the engine. I heard the click of her taking off the seatbelt though I was still unable to look at her. This was the moment I was going to lose her, lose everything I wanted. Yes, I now had my family back and I could start afresh there but in truth, I wanted to start afresh with the woman who was now getting out of the car at my side.

I took a moment before I started to move I could see her waiting for me, I followed her up the driveway and on to the porch, not once looking up, and the floor was the only thing my eyes fixated on. If I did not look at her I could not crumble, I could not fall any further than I already had.

I waited as she opened the door allowing my inside, I felt like a stranger in a house I had known so well at one point. I could not help but to take a deep breath as the door closed behind me and she made her way in front to lead the way. I felt like I was walking into a fire and I had no control over anything.

JJ motioned me to take a seat and I did, I took a seat on the chair my eyes seemed to focus on the door. I was like a horse waiting in the stalls for the gun to be fired so it was able to run.

"Emily" her voice was so soft when she spoke yet I still was unable to look at her, unwilling to look into blue hurt eyes.

"I am sorry" I let out in a whisper, I am lost now how am I meant to do this, how am I meant to sit here and talk to her? I do not know what she wants to ask me, but I have a fair idea and each one that filters in my mind makes shiver. If only I was good with emotions and feelings, if only I was taught that expressing, any form of emotion was not a sign of weakness.

The silence fell around us like a blanket that was suffocating me, and I did not want it to stop, my mind was closing off, my heart was building firmer walls so that what she says will not hurt that much, so I can keep everything hidden and break when I am alone. I had not even noticed she had moved so lost in my own mind deep in my own thoughts. I jumped slightly as her hand touched my knee.

"Look at me Emily" again her voice was soft and I wondered if this was the calm before the storm, before everything collapsed around me.

She allowed me a moment as I locked everything away inside me again. My eyes fell onto hers as I looked deeply into her blue orbs, I could drown in those eyes and not one part of me would care. Our eyes seemed to lock like they had so many times before, but now it was foreign ground it was different. It was everything that had transpired in the past seven months. Things I had hidden from her for some seven years now.

Our eyes seemed to speak as though words were not needed, as though just by looking at each other, we knew what was going to be said, but I must have been looking at something that was not there as she spoke.

"I am not mad Emily" I couldn't help the puzzled look on my face, how can she not be mad? I had kept so much hidden from her, "But I am hurt" I could only nod; I could not find the words needed and to say, and sorry just was not enough and I knew it.

I wanted to look away I wanted to do anything but look into her eyes, she seemed to be peering into my soul and it was not in my control to stop her. "I never meant to hurt you JJ," I said though it came out as a whisper. "I never meant for you to get hurt" I hoped she could hear the honesty within my voice. I closed my eyes, trying to gain what little control I had back, stop my walls from falling. No matter how hard I tried, I always hurt the people who meant the world to me, a train wreck that is what I am.

"How old is Robert?" that was not the question I thought she was going to ask but I guess it was one she needed an answer to more than anything.

"He will be seven next month" I could not help but look at her now she was still kneeled in front of me her eyes boring down into my soul as though I had been laid out bare for her to see.

"You kept him hidden for six year Emily!" she let out in disbelief,

"Yes" I could not disagree, it was true he had been hidden from the second he was born, placed with Tom for all that time.

I watched as she shook her head, "I couldn't tell anyone" again my words stopped, how could I explain him, how could I explain it back then?

"When will you learn Emily, that you don't have to do everything on your own, that you are not invincible and you can trust someone" her voice was like a slap in the face.

"I do trust you JJ"

She scoffed at me "If you had trusted me Emily, you would have trusted me enough to tell me. Instead you kept that little boy hidden," there was the anger I had been waiting for, the betrayal, which laced her voice.

"There was so many times I wanted to tell you JJ, but I knew even back then anyone knowing could put their lives in danger, everything I have done is to protect those two little boys" I almost pleaded with her. I knew she understood I knew she could understand why I had done it.

"And Tess?"

I sighed slightly "JJ there is a lot in my past I am not proud of, things I have done that can never be taken back, I can only try and correct my mistakes and Tess" the tears welled deep in my eyes as I began to speak.

"I put her life in danger," I said with a sad sigh.

"You are going to need to do better than that Emily. I want to know everything and when I say everything I mean it" her voice was full of fire and the look on her face said everything. I had to bare my soul.

"Two months before Doyle was taken in to custody I met up with her" I sighed slightly, "One of Doyle's men had followed me, they knew what she looked like, and so once Doyle had been arrested and I had done all the paperwork bullshit I went to her. Some of his men already hated me, because Doyle had fallen in love with me" I turned away now how do I explain that I had in fact fallen in love with him.

"I had arranged for Louise to meet me with Declan in England, she stayed with Tess and her son" I swallowed hard, "By the time I had managed to get back to England to meet them both there was a target already on Tess's back. I had made a lot of enemies back then JJ, and like I have said I am not proud of my past."

Her hand cups my cheek causing me to look at her as she takes my other hand in hers pulling me up from the chair. I look at her confused for a moment before she guides me to the sofa.

"I had to make sure she was safe, she assumed the name of her Mother's maiden name, I bought them a house that I knew would be secure and keep them safe, protection detail was also brought for her," I paused for a moment.

"How does Hotch know about her and no one else did Emily?"

I smiled slightly "Years ago, I had just gone off to Yale, he was hired as my Mothers security detail, he met Tess then. We all knew my Father had affairs it was not something that could be hidden, and the maid that was employed, well she had a husband so no one questioned when she fell pregnant. When Tess turned ten, everything became known and Hotch was there for the fall out of it all. I hadn't met Hotch until I joined the BAU but I knew who he was."

JJ leaned back placing her legs underneath her as I continued to speak. If I was going to do this I might as well open my sole fully to her and then she can walk away and I can be left more broken than I already am.

"Everything was a mess back then, Interpol isn't the best place to work but I had my own personal demons back then. I hated everything about me so when I was offered the job I did not think twice. I was like a moth to the flame, nothing seemed to matter. I was a disappointment to my Mother and I still am. My Father" I could not help but sigh. "I was a disgrace to him, a rebel, from the age of fifteen I had been nothing but a burden to them. When I went off to collage I could be myself not have to worry about disappointing them anymore."

The tears slipped from my eyes as I laid myself totally bare I knew deep down this could all back fire and I can be hurt again, but right now I don't care I had hurt her so badly and telling her everything could only end with her hating me. However, part of me prayed she would not.

I took a risk and looked at her, but I could not see hate behind her eyes, I saw something I could not fully understand, so instead I carried on hoping that I could fully explain my actions if anything she deserved that.

"Due to my time travelling to different countries I had learnt so many languages and from what I had studied at both George Town and Yale, I was a prime candidate for the CIA and Interpol. I went to a seminar and it was then my life changed." Her hand reached for mind and I gladly took the slight comfort it gave me even though it may not last. I wanted to wrap myself away but I could not.

"My Mother had always taught me emotions are a sign of weakness, so when I went through my training" I could not help the half heart laugh that escaped my lips. "I became totally numb to everything and everything around me. I had so much anger and I truly didn't care if the job took my life." Her hand squeezed mine and I shook my head slightly.

"They sent me on a few simple missions they also found I was a quick study I understood and knew a lot more than they thought. Growing up in different countries had helped me so I was able to fall into the background and fit in with their cultures. It was not easy; I had been with them for over four years before I joined the elite team JTF-12. As you know Interpol uses, something the BAU does not, infiltration I was only chosen to join the team because I was Ian's type. I had to assume a relationship with him, and I did I became his lover" I sighed my hand moving out of JJ's as I pulled myself further into the couch.

I wanted to wrap myself away I was too raw, I had not spoken about this to anyone even Tess did not know the full extent of everything. I take a risk and look at her, my eyes are sad and I know that is not a sight that she is use to but I am here. In addition, she wants to know everything and everything she will get. However, it will cost me everything. I owe her the truth, she had stayed silent for so long but her voice was so soft that I almost did not catch what she had said.

"Did you love him?"

I turned my face away from hers I knew this was going to disgust her because my skin still crawls about it all I still have nightmares about my time with JTF-12. "Not at first no" I swallow slightly "But after being with him in a relationship having to play the part of his lover I did." I allowed the shame to wash over me.

"How could you love him Emily? After everything he did everything he was capable of?" it was a valid question and one I had to answer.

"He was different when we were alone, JJ you have to understand aside from my baby sister no one wanted me, no one cared about me and here was someone who made me feel wanted, made me feel I could be someone other than just a disappointment." I hold back a sob as I try to gather myself.

"When I saw him with Declan after he had informed me he was his son, I saw another side of him. He asked me to be that little boy's Mother and I said no. I couldn't, he wanted to raise him as a killer, a warrior just like himself and I couldn't do that to a child."

I waited a moment to allow everything I said to sink in. "Six months later I had gathered enough Intel for Interpol, it was then they extracted me and arrested Doyle. Once I had been to the, debrief and I had given my paperwork in. I made arrangements to get Declan and Louise out of the country" I gave her a sad smile. "And the rest you know"

"When did you find out you was pregnant" JJ asked me. I took a deep breath, I already knew I was pregnant before Doyle was arrested, I could not punish an unborn child for everything that had happened. I had an abortion JJ when I was fifteen and I could not do it again. I could not go through that again"

I took a moment to gather myself. "I knew even before, when I found out about Declan, I knew what they would put that little boy with, leverage to get Doyle to talk, could you imagine what they would have done to me my unborn child? I could not let that happen JJ, the best thing I could do was to fake Declan and Louise's death and place them both in hiding with someone I knew would protect them both. When Tom found out I was pregnant he said he would also take him in, that Declan should know his brother and I could not deny them both that. In addition, I could not put Tess in any more danger than I already had. Two months after having Robert I walked into the BAU"

When I had finished the tears were running down my face the sobs building up inside, I choked out my final words "I am sorry, I'll go" I felt her arm around me and in that moment in that second, I broke. My walls fell fully as I leaned into her allowing her to hold me as I cried, I cried for so much my past, what I was about to lose everything my heart was broken and now I waited for it to be crushed.

"I don't want you to go Emily, you haven't lost me" JJ whispered as her lips touched my head, that action caused me to hold on more as though what I heard wasn't real, I broke my heart, I had done this to myself no one had helped me I had pressed the destruction button a long time ago and this was now the fall out. "I am not going anywhere Emily," she whispered again to me.

 


End file.
